This is totally unrelated to Starfighter General other than showcasing how a criminal might be portrayed and also the creativity level in this game. This is Fan Fiction from old local radio station DJs.
First a tip about Modern Day Creativity all creators should know: If you write down all your creative things you think about, sometimes you get more creative ideas than your current projects can use. We all are creative all the time, but not all of us choose to write down the creative things we think of to remember them. If you write them down then someday you simply have to organize them together and you have books, video game plots, movie scripts and in this case, a comedy skit.
For those of you who have never heard of Scott Paulsen and Jim Krenn comedy team for WDVE, they were so funny that they had the highest ratings of any radio DJS ever and well deserved. They dominated the radio and yet Scott Paulsen left and Jim Krenn got fired without them giving him a reason(hint cancel culture).
For those of you who have never heard N’At man on the radio, listen to these primers before reading my script for one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm4esb4f3Zs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm4esb4f3Zs
For Pittsburgh, that is high art! Okay, now that we got you up to speed, I present you: N’atman and the Flatulator
Mayor Brett Keisel,”N’atman, I called you here for an important financial meeting.”
N’atman,”If its about the 30 bucks I owe you from cards the other week, you know, I’m still working on it. Funds are tight lately, inflation and all.”
Keisel,”No, I’m afraid this meeting is more dire than, hey wait, ain’t you a billionaire, why you giving me that line?”
Robert,”Mulhactchy, I think he knows your real identity”
N’atman,”Of course he does Robert. Everyone in the Tri State area does. You posted drunken photos of us on instagram to try and impress some instagram models. Remember? How’s that working out?”
Robert,”N’atman, I’ll have you know, I’m personally talking to this one girl who’s so lonely that and she says I’m her only fan. I have an angle. I’m paying her money, and I ain’t even asking for anything in return. I’m just building trust.” “Hey, anyway, if anyone knows who you are, why hasn’t anyone offed you yet?”
N’atman,”Simple boy fund her. I just ran gambling debts up with so many people, they don’t want to kill me or they’ll not see their money.”
*wack is heard*
Robery,”Brett, why’d you whack N’atman?”
Keisel,”You know, he’s right. I don’t want to kill him, but he’s acting like a jag off to run a system like that.”
Robert,”Hah, N’atman, he called you a jag off.”
N’atman,”Shut up Robert.”
Robert,”Make me N’atman.”
*Another wack is heard*
Robert,”Hey, that actually hurt unlike when N’atman slaps me.”
Keisel,”I have an important unpaid mission for you guys. Are you going shutup and listen or will I have to smack you around smore til you volunteer for this public service?”
*crickets heard*
Keisel,”Okay, there’s been some foul stenches coming from downtown.”
Robert,”Oh that’s just the bus garages.”
Keisel,”No, this stench lingers even when the busses go by.”
N’atman,”If isn’t another meth lab at the Church Brewworks, only one man would dare have to let it linger.”
Robert and N’atman together,”The Flatulator!”
Keisel,”Yes, my office knows about this, but we can’t let the public know about the threat of bioterrorism. The panic might cause a public health concern as they flee to East Liverpool.”
*Shudder sounds from the crew*
N’atman,”The secret is safe with me. Robert, can you keep this one off facebook?”
*another wack is heard*
Put your damn mobile device down, we got to roll. Hey Brett, before we book it, got any tools to help us fight the Flatulator?
Brett,”Fraid not. All we have is that clothespin you put on the Piddler 25 years ago. You could save yourself in a pinch.”
N’atman,”Save it for yourself, and lets hope it doesn’t come to that.”
– *bat transition sound*
Flatulator,”Hey dynamic duo, you owe me.”
Robert,”Wow, N’atman, we didn’t even have to track him down. That takes half the fun out of our show. We could lose viewers, this could be the end for us!”
N’atman,”Indeed Robert. Flatulator, what do we owe you? As far as I know, this is the first time we met.”
Flatulator,”Last week, Queens full.”
Robert,”N’atman, he’s giving us a clue. I think he clogged the toilets in New York!”
N’atman,”Nah Robert, this is Harry Newbower, from Swissvale, we had a game in Oakland, he beat me with a full house, Queens over eights.”
Robert,”What did you have?”
Flatulator,”A flush! Now that you know my real name, just Venmo me the money. In the meanwhile, I need to blow you away that you know my real identity.”
N’atman,”Hah! Attaboy Robert! Finally you used your mobile device for good use. As we speak, Boy Wonder is doxing your info to instagram.”
Robert,”Hold on Mcatchey, I’m busy sending money to that chickado. Way more important. Hey, take a break, I got you a Sheetz coffee N’atman”
N’atman,”Well I guess if I’m going to die along side an idiot, I’ll have my last drink. Thanks Boy Wonder. You’re a real pal.”
Flatulator,”I’ll take that! I’m not going to let you enjoy any moments before you pass away from me passing gas.”
Robert and N’atman choke. cough gag.
Robert,”Oh gosh N’atman, he smells worse than your underwear after a day at Sandcastle.”
Flatulator,”Mmm, this coffee is so smooth. You say Sheetz coffee?”
Robert,”Yeah, I got a subscription, just get the app. You should try their MTO. They got a lotta good stuff.”
Flatulator,”Thanks for the advice, I almost wish I didn’t have to kill you, but I finished this coffee, and wait! N’atman, you still owe me 2$. I can’t kill you.”
N’atman,”That’s right. So turn yourself in!”
Flatulator,”I won’t kill you, but I can make your life so miserable that you’d be better off dead. “
Robert,”Oh crap!”
Flatulator,”You wish! I’m about to let one rip. And it ain’t no ordinary fart my friends. I invented a DNA altering chemical that moves from fart to fart making others farts more pungent and frequent, but it has to transmit from one fart cloud to another. You know that inflation in Giant Eagle? Think that was Biden? Think again! That was my doing! I wanted everyone poor so they could only afford beans! Now that everyone’s eating beans for every meal. At this moment there’s a latent fart haze across all of Pittsburgh from all the tooting. Once I let this one rip, it’s the big one, everyone will have my fart’s DNA and nothing will ever smell pleasant again.”
*shart sound happens*
Robert: He sharted and that weren’t no baby shart
Flatulator,”WHAT! I never lose a gamble! This is a load of crap!”
Robert,”You can say that again. We’ll swing by pants n at on the way Allegenhy county.”
Flatulator,”I still don’t get it! How could this be?”
Robert,”Oh I put Exlax in your coffee cuz you’re a dork. Hey N’atman, I you can have my cup since Harry drank yours.”
N’atman,”My powers of N’at deduction determine that coffee was meant for me.”
Robert,”Yeah, but this cup was mine, and you can have it since I’m such a nice guy n all. Remember what you said before ‘We’re real pals’. So you want my coffee?”
N’atman,”Uh, nah.”
Robert,”Me either”, throws it out.
–narrator exit commentary—
